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give as the Source: Dynion Mwyn Coven of the Welsh Dragon

THE HARM OF WITCHWARS

"Witch Wars" are caused by one thing and one thing only...Gossip.

Gossip is a terrible thing, and very prevalent, in most Witchcraft and Pagan communities. It is the cause of groups banishing or ostracizing members from certain pagan social circles. It causes hatred and anger.  It causes cliques and "we-hate so-and-so-clubs."  It causes divisions among Pagans who are supposedly teaching we are all One with the Goddess. It causes Witch Wars. If we are all one, then no one should ever slander another, for then we are slandering our own self when we say something bad about someone else. The question I always ask is: "How are we ever going to stop World Wars if we can’t stop Witch Wars?"

It makes me wonder when I see so many divisions among those in the Pagan community. Gossip is the key factor in most of these divisions. Gossip, more accurately called slander, is a very damaging action which should never happen in Pagan circles. Many would say they never gossip. However, I challenge anyone who says this to record every conversation on a tape recorder for an entire month and see if there is at least one point of gossip in there somewhere. We have all been guilty of gossip at some point or another, so we might as well forgive ourselves and others for it now. Even worse, it is highly likely we will gossip again at some point in our lives before we notice we are doing it again. The little muscle, the tongue, is rather wily and takes vigilance to control. The trouble is we have most likely blurted it out already before we realize we have just committed the sin of gossip.

As Pagans, we have all been on the receiving end of slander, and everyone knows it doesn’t feel good. I cannot even count the number of counseling sessions I have had with someone who feels harmed by what someone else has said behind his or her back. I have found myself doing a lot of work on removing the harm done by slander, not only for others, but also for myself. I have been the target of many projections which have no substance in reality, as everyone has, and I always wonder how someone came up with such a far out story which never even happened.

The first thing to do about our little muscle is to stop moving it and don’t let anyone else move it in your presence! When in doubt, silence is always the best route. I believe people who gossip do not realize they are gossiping at all. Gossipers rarely label themselves as such.

So how can we stop this hurtful action if it is so unconsciously done?

The best solution is to not have the thoughts which are behind gossip in the first place. Policing the consciousness will be more effective than policing the tongue. A lot of time, money, effort, and healing have been done around the energy of gossip on the receiving end.

Let us address the healing which must happen on the giving end of gossip. If the root cause is healed, then the effect is not manifest anymore. Let us stop the effect at its cause.

THE CAUSES OF GOSSIP

So what are the causes of gossip? Usually, when someone feels the need to say something bad about someone else, it comes from a place of feeling hurt, having judgment about the other person, jealousy and insecurity, the premise of "processing," warning somebody about so-and-so, and it is even done secondhand by someone who wants to join in the "fun" of slander against another who he or she has never even met. Let’s look at each of these causes individually and find out what we can do about them.

SOMEONE FEELS HURT

When friendships or associations with a group end badly, it is very common for both parties to gossip about each other, trying to get other parties "on their side." This kind of gossip is mostly coming from hurt feelings. It is the hurt feelings which must be addressed in order to stop gossip at its root. This does not mean the friendship or associations must be re-ignited, for it is quite possible the relationship was unhealthy, was not useful anymore, and was outgrown by one or both parties. However, it is even more unhealthy to harbor unresolved hurt feelings.

Yes, perhaps a betrayal has happened, certain boundaries have been crossed which shouldn’t have been crossed, or the trust has been broken past the point of repair. This does not mean, however, hurt feelings must remain and revenge through gossip must happen. A True Initiate realizes the human condition is what it is and everyone has their own version of it, dysfunctions and all. The True Initiate realizes this and does not blame another for his or her faulty human condition. True resolution of hurt feelings is the acceptance of the human condition and all of its variations in others.

JUDGMENT OF OTHERS

Judgment is another root cause of gossip. Everyone has judgments, even those who would consider themselves spiritually evolved. There is a fine line between judgment and discernment. The difference between them is judgment has emotional overtones while discernment does not. Judgment tends to gossip while discernment simply chooses not to associate with this or that energy because it is not healthy to be around. So we must examine our judgments about other people, especially if we talk about them with others. The adjustment in consciousness which needs to take place is to take a position others can have faults without pointing them out to outside parties.

INSECURITY AND JEALOUSY

Insecurity and jealousy is another cause of gossip. This is more common than most people would like to admit. It comes from a desire to find fault with a person who otherwise exhibits extraordinary characteristics. If their faults can be found, then this person seems less admirable, strong, or talented. Insecurity and jealousy often come from dissolved relationships where one party seems to be doing better than the other. This perceived success of the other, of course, may or may not be true and might just be a projection. If it is not, then the one who feels jealous better find their own extraordinary characteristics instead of being resentful of others who have found theirs.

PROCESSING AS A TYPE OF GOSSIP

The premise of "processing" is a very thinly disguised action of gossip. This is a very common window which is used by some Pagans to gossip, for everyone wants to be a helping friend. This is a trap which I have fallen into as a listener more than I would like to admit, for I always want to help a friend resolve hurt feelings.

Sometimes, it truly is necessary to process something with another person, especially if resolutions have not been able to be reached on one’s own. Trying to reach conclusions on one’s own is the first thing to be attempted. Only if this is unsuccessful should someone be consulted,

preferably a counselor. However, sometimes it is necessary to talk to someone who knows the other person, but this should be someone who cares about the other person just as much as they care about you. Then they are acting as a mediator rather than someone who will listen to gossip.

WARNING OTHERS

Warning others about someone is another thinly disguised version of gossip. There is a fine line between a true warning and a gossip based warning. Yes, it might be quite appropriate to let someone know about a person who is pretending to be Pagan, or a reader or counselor who has given out some very bad advice, or some other behavior which has shown itself to be a harmful pattern which remains unchanged. However, this should only be volunteered if the person is on a path to meet a harmful person or group. If at all possible, it is best to just say "they have a questionable reputation" rather than giving particulars. If there is no reason for speaking about it, it should remain unaddressed. More likely than not, however, gossipers use the pretense of warning about someone with a malicious tone in the voice, not a caring tone, reluctant to say it in the first place.

REVENGE AND VENTING AS A MOTIVE

Revenge and venting are most likely the motive for almost all gossip. The adjustment which should take place in the consciousness is one must examine the motive for gossip. Is there a "got you back" energy behind it? Is there a feeling of being loyal to a group which dislikes this person? The motive must be examined. As I have said, most gossip happens because there are unresolved hurt feelings on the sides of one or both parties who ended a friendship or partnership, or were cast out of a group and the group has decided to dislike this person.

SECOND HAND GOSSIP

It is not uncommon for people, who have never met someone, to gossip about people because they have heard something bad from someone they already know. This comes from wanting to be part of the group, belonging to the herd. Everyone wants to belong, and if he or she "hates-so-and-so" it could mean instant friendship with the gossiper, maybe entrance and

acceptance in a group. "If you hate so-and-so then you must be alright. You’re in our club." This, of course, is the most ridiculous cause of all for gossip, and should be easy to spot. One must ask oneself if this is really the best group to be in.

SHOULD WE INDULGE GOSSIPERS?

But how does one not "take in" this opinion of someone he or she has never met, or knows a little, as it is being so colorfully relayed? This brings us to the question of whether or not we should indulge the gossipers or not. Why do we let people say something bad about someone else in our presence? It may be difficult to cut someone off who is gossiping, but this is what must happen, even if it means losing the friendship. I learned this the hard way. I remember when a friend called me almost every other day for about two years. Our conversations were about many things.

However, some kind of gossip about someone was always worked into it, and she would qualify it by saying, "I need to process this." I realized later she was not trying to process anything at all. She just wanted to gossip and get revenge on the person by trying to sway my perceptions of the other. She got a certain feeling of pleasure from it, which we will discuss in a moment, for there is a certain pleasure principle which accompanies gossip in both the gossiper and the listener.

I usually listened quietly, wanting to help her, saying hmmm, trying to find a place to interject and ask if there was anything within herself which might be reflected there. She deflected this deftly almost every time. I couldn’t call her on it because I knew if I did our friendship would end abruptly. I feared being the subject of her gossiping should I ever lose favor with her. I was afraid of what would happen if the friendship ended. I was trying to be gentle, easing into it, but as it all

turned out, the friendship ended abruptly anyway. I couldn’t handle being in the dis-empowered position anymore anyway, unable to say what I really wanted to say because I feared the friendship would end and I would be harmed.

Once the friendship had started, I couldn’t end it without terrible results. There were some positive aspects to the friendship which I did want to keep, but the cons finally outweighed the pros. I had to let this one go. She had not shown enough spiritual growth for me to continue with this friendship, and which was my goal by associating with her.

Most of what she said about others were lies. She herself didn’t even know she was lying because it was so unconscious. She truly believed she had integrity and had never told a lie in her life. Most chronic liars don’t know they are lying because they believe their projections so

completely it becomes truth to them. They even see a whole scene which never took place play out in front of their eyes as if it really happened. They forget after a while it never happened and remember it as if it was an actual event. This is the most dangerous and hurtful kind of

gossiper, and a convincing one as well.

REVENGE

So let’s talk about the pleasure principle which is involved with gossip. How is it possible both the gossiper, and the one listening, derive pleasure about what is being said about another? First, let’s look at the gossiper. Again, it usually comes from hurt feelings or judgment. What better way to get revenge than to smear someone’s name in the dirt, making new friendships with the listeners impossible for the one who has been sullied? And better yet, what better revenge is there than to destroy friendships which are already in existence with the one being sullied? This is the most gratifying revenge of all.

Besides venting, I believe revenge is the second most prevalent driving force behind gossip, although most people are not conscious of wanting revenge. It is not socially acceptable to get revenge directly by harming someone who is perceived as faulty or has hurt the feelings of the gossiper. This indirect way is more socially acceptable than say, slashing tires or throwing a rock through someone’s window. Gossip, however, is acceptable, and doesn’t carry consequences which might land the one with the hurt feelings in jail. The pleasure is derived from having gotten revenge. Even though the one who was being gossiped about doesn’t know it, the gossiper has the secret knowledge which he or she has turned someone else against the gossipee, has exposed the faults of the gossipee (real or not real, doesn’t matter) to an outsider, and is good enough for most people harboring hurt feelings. Another satisfaction which comes with gossiping is commiserating with others who are easily swayed the same way.

So why did I indulge the gossiper? What is the pleasure principle for the listener? I had to ask myself this, and meditated on it for quite a while. I hadn’t had such a gossiping friend before, so this was new territory for me. It took many sessions to get to the bottom of it. When I looked at it

honestly, there was more to it than just wanting to help her overcome these projections she was putting on other people. Originally I thought I was being altruistic and helpful, wanting to help her overcome her judgments of other people, but when I looked deeper, there was more than

that. There was a part of me which was curious about the dirt on everyone, even though I didn’t let it change my perception of these people. Most people’s perceptions of others are effected, even if they have never met the person. However, I always try to give everyone the benefit of the

doubt, being aware there are two sides to every story. I was also aware the spiritual development of my friend was still needing work.

I wasn’t taking her word for it that so-and-so was "bad" for that just isn’t my belief system. I believe everyone has some good within them, even with their faults. I also know there are two sides to every story. I began to make it a point of investigating her stories. It was no small matter to teach myself this habit of thinking and took many years to develop. It takes a lifetime to perfect, and we are all still working on it, I suppose.

So, then, why did I indulge the gossiper, knowing it was all her illusion, hoping to point it out to her? I believe it is morbidity. It is the same thing in all of us which makes us crane our necks to see what happened in a terrible car accident as we drive by. This morbidity is what makes us listen to the gossipers. We want to "see" the ugliness, even if it is shocking, even if it doesn’t involve us, even if we don’t believe it.

WHAT IS REALLY BEHIND THE URGE TO GOSSIP

So let us examine what is really behind the urge to gossip, even if you believe you are not gossipers. Witness the unnecessary damage gossip does. Next time someone gossips in your presence, stop the gossiper in his or her tracks, even if it means becoming the brunt of the gossip or ending a friendship. Have the wisdom to know when it is truly a friend needing to sort things out or if it is gossip. Stop gossip where it begins. Heal the hurt feelings and judgments which make gossip a reality. Tolerate the faults we see in others, even if we don’t want to hang out with those people. Live and let live, allowing each other to make the mistakes you need to make in order to grow, allowing each other to have the faults which you have agreed to have in this lifetime. Don’t take revenge on the human condition you see in others. Allow the Great Spirit, The Goddess to explore the faulty human condition in every possible way without harm. Realize it is truly you having many lifetimes, many versions of self, exploring all the faults and strengths which are possible in the human condition. Allow even the lowliest among you to be your teacher, your Cerridwen or your Great Spirit.

What does a person who irks you so much teach you about yourself?

This is the path of the Elder and The True Initiate.